The role of a parent is perhaps the most demanding one we will ever take on. And the biggest complaint? It doesn’t come with an instruction manual!
“Don’t pay any attention to him; he’ll stop”… “Pay attention to him; that’s what he wants”… “Don’t spoil him”…
Advice is everywhere, often contradictory and so generic that it overlooks the uniqueness of each child. Not every recipe works for everyone.
We often underestimate the power of our actions compared to our words. When our verbal message differs from our behavior, the child becomes confused:
If we tell a child “don’t shout”—while shouting ourselves—how are they supposed to know what to do?
If we encourage a child to “be persistent,” yet scold them for insisting on watching a little more television, what kind of message are they receiving? Building psychological resilience and autonomy requires consistency. Words and actions must complement one another.
By nature, children will try to push boundaries to see if they are firm.
“I can’t bear the struggle of taking him to his own bed, so we end up sleeping together.”
“He puts up a fight about his school bag, so I end up packing it for him.”
When we give in just to avoid a fuss, we are implicitly teaching the child that their approach works. In doing so, however, we deprive them of the joy of trying and succeeding on their own.
When parents set clear and consistent boundaries, a child’s urge to whine diminishes. It is replaced by self-confidence and a desire to share their independent achievements with their parent!
How does this look in everyday life?
“I understand that you’re tired, but you need to tidy up your toys before going to sleep.”
“You seem too tired to pick out your clothes for tomorrow. How about choosing one of these two options?”
“That’s a lot of studying, it would feel like a huge mountain to me, too! What would help you finish a bit faster?”
The takeaway? It is far better to raise capable children, rather than just protected ones. This is how their full potential is brought to light. Otherwise, there is a risk of permanent childishness.
By Charikleia Constantinou, Psychologist (MSc) – Systemic Existential Psychotherapist & collaborator with research department.
